


Shrines

by moranth



Series: Russell Shepard [6]
Category: Mass Effect
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-09-01
Updated: 2016-05-12
Packaged: 2018-04-18 14:00:04
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 8,917
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4708538
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/moranth/pseuds/moranth
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When the galaxy's falling down around you, find solace where you can. A continuation of both Resta Con Me and Conflict of Interest.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is the story I promised millenia ago that would be merging Conflict of Interest and Resta Con Me storylines. Let me now what you think! And even if you don't have the time, please enjoy.
> 
> [graphic is an edit of a commission from the talented myks0 on deviant art and  
> myksomatosis on tumblr]

 

  


[[A/N: I realize, very belatedly, that this opening is almost the exact same way the previous story ended. I thought it a little too redundant, so I changed it a little bit. If you want to read this as it was (nearly) originally posted, you can look at Resta Con Me.]]

The wind picked up, kicking dust and sand against the sides of their structured tent. The thing was damn near indestructible. There was no fear of the whole rigging coming down and burying them alive, yet Russell couldn’t sleep. He never did before a mission, and going before Earth’s council was nearly as stressful as facing down any abominations the Reapers had thrown at him.

He turned on his side and watched as Thane’s chest rose and fell. That scared him, too. The idea that, one day soon, Thane’s breathing would stop altogether. He didn’t know what was worse: him being there to see it happen, or him not finding out until weeks after the fact. He knew going in that Thane was…To hear him say it, operating on borrowed time. He knew this was his fate, but he couldn’t accept it. He was Commander-goddam-Shepard. He’d beaten incredible odds before, stopping Saren and Sovereign and pushing the Reapers back, if only for a while. Why couldn’t he change this?

He had to face the music on Earth, but he wouldn’t let that take hope from him. You’d think with the life he’d had, orphaned, getting sucked into that gang life, Torfan, that he would have given up hope a long time ago. But sometimes hope was all he had, as fragile and sometimes futile as it might seem. He had to hope, even when other gave up. It wasn’t in him to just lie down and accept the things he’d been told.

He got closer, wrapping his body around Thane’s to imbue him with a little extra warm.  This very well might be the last time they got to lie together like this. He couldn’t imagine not having this. He knew he had to fight for the galaxy, but he had to fight for _this,_ too. If there was one thing that made him glad he had this burden foisted on him, it was Thane and everything he had come to mean and represent. He’d never told him all that he meant to him. Thane had to live long enough to hear it, to understand how he felt completely. They both had to live. He would fight the galaxy’s fight, win their war, but that didn’t meant his own battle had to fall by the wayside.

If there was any way to save Thane, if only for another year, he would find it.

 


	2. Chapter 2

The center of galactic civilization and they can’t manage to have a single elevator that doesn’t run faster than elcor shit on this whole station!”

It was the third slow elevator that Kolyat and Haron had waited on in the last two hours and the third loud outburst Kolyat had made. Citadel transit had always been a mess and was on a long list of repairs and improvements still waiting to be made. But after the station had been nearly cleaved in half by that giant warship, concern over how much the people who managed to survive enjoyed their day to day commute understandably took low priority.

Every day new people arrived from the outer rim, batarian space. Some incident had happened, but the news hadn’t picked it up yet, and Haron was too low on the totem pole to ask questions and expect answers. His security checkpoint in Zakera had been closed weeks ago, deemed too inefficient to deal with the sudden influx of new people. He was working at the docks these days, seeing firsthand how people poured in from seemingly nowhere.

And he got the feeling it was only going to get worse.

The elevator arrived, occupied, but far from full. They stepped on, Kolyat grumbling the whole way. Elevator travel was unreliable in a way that made even Haron’s skin prickle, but irritation about that wasn’t the only reason for Kolyat’s bad attitude.

Kolyat’s father had been on the station two week and only now was he allowed to have visitors. Haron knew next to nothing about Kepral’s except that it was an ugly, ravaging disease. He’d watched it rob Kolyat’s father, a formidable man even in still picture and over vid chat, of his vitality. He’d looked withered during the last chat they’d had. That was a month ago. He didn’t want to think of what they’d see when they got to see him face to face. He hoped Kolyat was prepared.

Haron stood behind Kolyat now, his hands on his lover’s shoulders. He couldn’t see his face from here, but could feel the tension in the muscles beneath his hands. Once, he caught sight of his scowl reflected in the glass. “We’ll find an alternate route for next time. We’re almost there.” He squeezed Kolyat’s shoulders, leaning forward to whisper near his ear. “Tell me again: What’s the name we have to ask for at the desk?”

He thought he felt Kolyat shiver. “Tannor Nuara.” Kolyat’s voice was weighed down with a frown, so Haron probably imagined it. Kolyat hated the idea of his father having to hide He hugged the books in his arms closer to his chest. They were religious scriptures. He’d pored over them for weeks, trying to figure out which would be relevant to recite for his father, hoping to bring him some comfort.

“I guess I should be calling you _Sere Nuara_ then, huh?” Haron nuzzled the side of Kolyat’s throat. He knew how much Kolyat hated PDA; he just seemed like he really needed it today. He was just going to have to make an exception.

“No, Krios is fine. Someone has to carry on the name.” They’d had this conversation several times before. Haron felt, if Kolyat’s dad was using an alias, Kolyat should too, but the drell continued to refuse.

He said his piece with such seriousness and conviction but the tensions was already bleeding out of his shoulders. Haron was calling his PDA distraction a triumph.

Their elevator companions didn’t appreciate it, though. Haron was willing to blame it on a lack of exposure.

Everyone wanted asari and made no excuses for it. It was the only interspecies deviants allowed. But if the buzz going around by the galaxy coming to an end, everyone should have more to worry about than who was with whom.

Kolyat stiffened as he felt the eyes on him, but Haron wasn’t about to let his work be undone. He pulled Kolyat back against his chest, wrapping his arms around him to the nervous tittering of the asari passenger and the disdainful huff of the other Turian.

They were all going to have to deal with it.

The doors opened to their floor and Kolyat broke away, stepping out first without looking back or even waiting for Haron to catch up. His long legs let Haron cover the distance in a few quick steps.

“I’m sorry, OK?”

“I don’t see why you have to do that,” Kolyat snapped. “Our every public moment doesn’t have to be more of a statement than it already is. It’s bad enough we get glared at for just being seen together so often. And then there’s the priests.” He choked up, stopping long enough for Haron to settle at his side.

He took Kolyat by the arm and steered him into a darkened alcove juts off the hospital’s main entrance. He went in for a hug and Kolyat let him, his head meeting Haron’s shoulder immediately. “I’m sorry. I don’t mean to do it. You’ve got so much on your plate already. The last thing I want is to add to it. I just want to comfort you how I want.” He nuzzled Kolyat’s cheek. “I’ll be better, I promise.” In the interest of that, he pulled back until he only held Kolyat by the arms.

Kolyat calmed down, no longer on the verge of tears. “Thank you.”

Haron was honestly already trying. After a while, the stores and whispers got to him. Mated males were hardly rare in most cultures where they existed. Cross species were even less rare (as long as there were asari involved). They weren’t heckled and harassed every time they went out, though, it was enough to annoy him. What really got to him were the priests.

The drell population had dwindled to an all-time low. While the Illuminated Primacy had given no official statement to those who were under its care, the clergy of the Temple of the Trine was already stepping in.

They urged drell not to fight. Enlistment was already prohibited for them, but if any fighting came to them, they were told to run rather than stand their ground. Haron agreed with that stance for all noncombatants to take. The problem was what they called _every drell’s duty_.

Their race, their culture had already been hanging by a thread and the only way to ensure it lived on was to pass it on to the next generation. A generation they were expected to sire _right now_.

A few of the clergy had singled Kolyat out specifically since they knew about his relationship with Haron. “It’s not forever,” they’d said. “You don’t even have to be in the child’s life. You or the mother.” They would take care of it. The crux of it all was that they didn’t have access to facilities that would let them do this via IVF. It had to be the old fashioned way.

Kolyat was torn between feeling beholden to the priests and risking his relationship with Haron. Haron hated seeing his lover this way. He hated the situation more. He reminded Kolyat that he didn’t owe anyone anything, yet whatever she chose, Haron was with him.

Haron wasn’t unsympathetic to their plight. They needed every able bodied drell to contribute. Kolyat was a hot commodity for being off Kahje for so long, not affected by Kepral’s. But understanding the situation academically didn’t change the fact that this was _his mate_ they were talking about.

…Had Haron really called him that?

He really wished Kolyat would stop going to the temple altogether but he held off asking. He seemed to get something out of going to the temple when they weren’t haranguing him about _duty_. They’d upped the times they reminded him of it from one visit a month to every other one time he was there. Haron was hoping it resolved on its own before it was too late.

They asked for Nuara at the visitor’s desk and were directed to the fifteenth floor. “It says here he’s currently in a treatment sessions,” the attendant said, his salarian features a little pinched. “He shouldn’t be too much longer so you can head right up. Fifteenth floor. 1510.”

“Heard you the first time,” Kolyat mumbled.

The salarian paled, his throat bobbing. “Yes, of course. I meant no offense.”

“ _Thank you_ for your help,” Haron said, hustling Kolyat in the direction of yet another elevator. Now who was being a jerk?

“I’m so sick of elevators!” Kolyat shouted as soon as the doors sealed closed in front of them. They were the only riders and the car moved quick and smooth.

“Yes. We’ve been riding on them for hours, but that attendant didn’t know that. He was nothing but helpful. There was no need to snap at him.”

He could see the argument brewing behind those eyes. The pseudo mentorship they had before was over. Kolyat didn’t want or need Haron’s guidance in the way his sentence had dictated before. Haron didn’t want that either, but he had his slips. Opening his mouth ran the risk of starting another argument but it was too late to take it back now.

“I…know.” Kolyat sighed, covering his eyes with his hand. “I’ve been snapping at everyone and everything. I’m just so stressed out. It’s not an excuse. I just have to do better.”

Haron rubbed the span if Kolyat’s shoulders. “It’s okay. We’ll just be extra nice next time.”

The doors parted and the voice of Avina, the Citadel’s helper VI announced their floor. Kolyat didn’t move, staring unhappily down the hall. Doctors and nurses walked by with purpose driven strides. The few patients they saw shuffled by slowly, with assistance and without.

“Take deep breaths,” Haron whispered.

Avina reminded them of the floor they were on before Kolyat took his first step out.

Thane’s room was close, so they didn’t have to engage anyone who lived on the floor. Lived, but for how long?

They weren’t all aged, weren’t all drell. No one seemed in good spirits or really even cognizant. They were all just barely hanging on. The whole place smelled like antiseptic, the faint echoes of beeping equipment could be heard coming from almost every room.

It reminded him too much of the facility his father was in, letting the last drops of life drain out of him. Thane wasn’t supposed to be that bad. Not now when he and Kolyat were getting along.

The door to Thane’s room was open, the place empty. He had no roommate, but more than that, it didn’t look like anyone was staying here at all. There were no flowers, no pictures, no personal effects of any kind.

Haron thought they had the wrong room.

“The attendant said 1510, right?”

Kolyat nodded.

Haron stepped out and checked the number next to the door. In crisp white lettering: 1510.

Kolyat went further into the room. He opened up the little wardrobe set between the front door and the bathroom, peeked inside. “This is his room.” He gestured to the interior of the pieces of furniture.

Inside were two identical sets of clothing that looked similar to what Thane had worn during their chats. Haron couldn’t remember exactly, so he’d defer to Kolyat’s expertise. A duffle bag was crammed in a far corner behind the clothes. The wardrobe was too deep to notice it at a glance.

A rest area with a table and a few chairs sat where another patient’s bed would be. Kolyat and Haron waited there.

The minutes passed in tense silence. Kolyat was upset and Haron didn’t know what to say to make it better. He could only sit beside him and hold his hand.

Thane returned to his room after what felt like an eternity, pushed in a wheelchair. Kolyat tensed beside him and Haron tightened his grip. Seeing Thane this way, pale, deflated wrapped in a hospital gown was a little jarring.

The human nurse greeted them as he brought Thane alongside the bed. He helped the assassin to his feet, waited for him to settle between the starchy sheets and left.

“It’s a formality,” Thane said after several moments he spent lying back on the pillows with his eyes closed. “If I fell while walking to and from my treatment or it exacerbated my condition, they’d be ripe for a law suit. I told them I’d sign any liability waver but they refuse. I’m fine, I assure you.”

Thane was not fine.

********

Kolyat didn’t let go of Haron’s hand as he went to his father’s bedside. He’d never looked less fine. His ribbing was so pale. He was breathing normally now, but Kolyat was willing to bet he hadn’t been minutes ago. This was such an ugly disease.

“Don’t look at me that way,” Thane said, encroaching on his son’s thoughts. “I’ve got some time left in me yet.”

Kolyat flushed with embarrassment. He hadn’t meant for his thoughts to be so visible.

Thane’s absence in his life created a rift between them Kolyat thought would never heal, his resentment ever present in his mind despite the strides they’d made. An undercurrent of awkwardness also seemed to buffet them off each other. He thought he would never touch his father again without them feeling forced.

He surprised them both when his arms went around his father’s neck, bringing them closer. He didn’t want to hurt him, but he just _needed_ do this. Thane had always seemed so large in Kolyat’s eyes but feeling him in his arms, he felt small. Thane didn’t move at first, but soon Kolyat felt his father’s thin hands on his back. He purred, rough from disuse. Kolyat fought back tears.

He knew this was coming, he _knew_ and was still so unprepared, but how could he be? Every other relative he had was gone and once Thane crossed the sea, all he’d have was Haron.

If life as they knew it was destined to end, he wanted to be with his father—his family—for it.

Thane chuckled a bit nervously when Kolyat didn’t let go, though he didn’t force them to separate.

“I hadn’t intended for our first meeting to be like this, but I do hope you’re well, Sergeant?”

“I can’t complain, sir,” Haron called from behind Kolyat. “Here, let me get some chairs.”

It took some cajoling and a few tears, but Kolyat eventually sat in a chair beside Thane rather than standing over him. Haron sat across from them. He didn’t let go of his father’s hand.

“You’re my first visitors since I’ve been cleared for them,” Thane announced, tactfully addressing the scarcity of personal items.

“What about _you-know-who_? When’s he visiting?” If his father was using an alias while he was here, Kolyat was sure throwing around his lover’s name would be a bad idea.

The silence preceding Thane’s answer was a second too long for Kolyat’s taste. “He’s still in custody on Earth awaiting his hearing. He can’t come and go as he pleases.”

True enough. “Still… Couldn’t he send you something ahead?”

“I supposed he could have, not that he needs to.” Thane sounded indignant.

“Did you _tell_ him that?” The idea that Shepard would listen to such a stupid request annoyed Kolyat to no end. Thane needed as much support as he could get.

Kolyat was working himself into a righteous lather, annoyed that his father would take up with someone so dense, so insensitive! How could anyone not send their ailing lover something to brighten his mood, civilization ending or not? Kolyat was about to shout that when a thought struck him.

Either they weren’t as serious as it seemed (which wasn’t likely) but even friends showed more concern than this. Or, he was incapable of sending anything at all.

Kolyat wadded his anger into a tight little ball, taking deep breaths. Time at the temple had helped him in that respect. “When did you last hear from him?”

Thane’s silence was purposeful this time. He scrubbed a hand over his face, tuning to look out the window that faced the Presidium. “I’ve sent messages to his account, but no response. It’s not just me. He hasn’t been able to check his account in weeks. They’ve cut him off from the outside world.” Haron’s mandible tightened at how casually Thane alluded to his spying. Kolyat hadn’t spoken to his father much about the finer details of his work, yet this didn’t surprise him.

No contact with anyone not imprisoning him was brutal. Only prisons out in the Terminus had such treatment. Kolyat wondered if it was Alliance policy or if it was special treatment for the man who was labeled a pariah few months ago.

Kolyat patted the hand he was holding like a lifeline. “I’m sure he’ll reach out soon.” Shepard had better if he knew what was good for him.

Thane hummed his appreciation and Kolyat hummed back. He caught Haron’s eye from across the way, a happy flutter of his mandible made Kolyat flush.

A year ago, Kolyat never could have imagined the two for them in this position, him giving the man who’d abandoned him. Even his anger couldn’t be sustained in the face of these changes.

Whatever the future held, they were together for the duration.


	3. Chapter 3

03-30-2186

_Siha,_

_…Is it OK for me to call you that, too? I always meant to ask and never found the time. I’m asking now, I guess. I’ll just do it until you correct me._

_I’m here now, back with the Alliance in London, I think now. They’ve moved me around so many times, I’m not exactly sure. You’d probably know where I am better than I do. No one’s told me anything and I doubt they would if I asked, so I haven’t even tried._

_As soon as they took me off that shuttle, the dog and pony show started up. They tried keeping my arrival quiet, from what I could tell, everyone acting very skull and daggery about everything, but at time like this, they would have had an easier time challenging a hanar to an arm wrestling match. Press from every news outlet was swarming the supposedly private landing pad, their drones buzzed around our heads lip crop dusters trying to get a glimpse of me._ Me _. I didn’t get this much coverage after I got back from Torfan. The man I was ten years ago would have killed to be so infamous (literally). Too bad all this wasn’t for anything I did. Not by choice, anyway._

_I don’t have to tell you that. You were there. If I’d known it was going to turn out like this, I’d have turned down Hackett’s mission in the first place. I know I wanted to get back in good standing with these people if only to make them listen to me, but I get the feeling none of this is going to matter._

_I’ve got a guard on me or a bodyguard. I can’t tell who he’s supposed to be protecting, but even I wouldn’t want to mess with him if I didn’t have to. He’s pretty damn big, like he needs to lay off the steroid or start up the cardio. Maybe both. I mean, I could take him; I probably wouldn’t look too pretty afterwards._

_I’m genuinely surprised people would be so upset about a bunch of dead batarians. Of course, there’s the part where they’re still tying me to Cerberus, which is going to follow me for the rest of my life._

_Enough bitching about that. How are you feeling? Have I mentioned I miss you? Sharing a bed with you has spoiled me forever. I hate sleeping alone now. The bed’s too damn cold._

_It’s selfish of me, but I wish you were here. There’s barely enough space for me in this shoebox they’ve got me staying in, but I seem to remember you like things cozy. Getting those two sleeping bags on our trip was such a waste of time. You were in mine for the whole trip. Though, those nights could get a little chilly as I recall, but we didn’t have trouble finding ways to keep warm._

_I told myself I’d make this brief and keep it clean and it’s on the verge of no longer being either. I just wanted to let you know I was thinking of you. Always am._

_Love always,_

_Russ/Your siha (that looks so weird when I write it. I’ll leave that to you)_

*****

05-15-2186

_I’m starting to think they take some kind of sick pleasure in my suffering around here._

_The trial for what happened to Bahak was a farce. They had all that evidence: the helmet cam footage; Kenson’s own crazy words; the research data; all of it backed up my testimony. We spent a month going over it and today, the last day, they decided to throw everything out and say we have bigger concerns. Other than being a giant waste, I was ready to say fine as long as it was over. But if that’s the case, then why am I still here?_

_I’m a military prisoner, based on what grounds? It’s hard to be considered AWOL and defecting to a terrorist faction when you’re fucking DWOD. It’s not even like I wanted to work with Cerberus. As soon as I was able I tried talking to anyone who would listen and we both know how that turned out, but you know all this. I don’t have to explain it to you. I just wish someone would_ listen _._

_They could hold me hostage anywhere else just as well as they do it here. My guard gorilla could even come along. Right now I’d take anything that would give me half a chance to see you. You could shimmy through some hidden vent to get in and out of the place without being seen, though you strike me as too dignified to do that. But if you say you did, I believe you. You’re probably the one person I don’t think would ever lie to me._

_I should have gone with my plan to become a pirate. The only reason I didn’t was…was that I wasn’t sure if you’d come with me or not. That, and it would be hard to keep an eye on your condition if we were a pair of wanted men. The only solution would be to kidnap Mordin and I’m not so sure I could handle him. How about you?_

_I say this every letter and you’re probably sick of hearing it, but I miss you like crazy. I hope you’re well. I haven’t gotten anything from you yet and I’m starting to worry._

_Write me back whenever you can, even if it’s just a few lines. Let me know you’re doing alright._

_Love, R_

*****

06-06-2186

_Thane._

_Are you getting this?_

*****

_06-07-2186_

_0704_

_They haven’t been letting my message through. I can’t fucking believe this. I’ve been talking to myself this whole time? They’re sitting in my outbox. I can see them They just won’t send!_

_0936_

_I checked my spam folder. For every letter I tried to send, there’s a kickback saying that port’s blocked on the network and that I need to speak to the admin. I’ll fucking talk to the admit. Even prisoners in real jail can send mail. I expected some Alliance rat to read or censor them, but for them to be blocked outright? I’m not taking this shit. Anderson and Hackett lied to my goddamn face. They really are trying to sweep me under the rug._

*****

_07-27-2186  
(Handwritten on lined paper, well creased, with frayed edges)_

_Solitary confinement. I’d say I deserve it for the ruckus, but it was equal to the shit they pulled on me. I don’t see anyone, they aren’t allowed to talk to me. Anderson, too, not that I want to see his fucking face right now. Yup, I’m still mad._

_The guy they’ve got guarding me isn’t so bad. They took my terminal and he hooked me up with this paper, all without talking to me somehow. I’ve got a few weeks to kill, so I figure I’d write you some more and just give you everything when I see you._

_Man, I made such a mess. Breaking shit, yelling. It was like I was in the Reds again, ruining some unfortunate asshole’s good time. Behavior unbecoming of an officer is what Hackett said when he found out, but honestly, I don’t give a damn. Good thing I was disavowed a long time ago, huh?_

_I couldn’t care less what anyone in this thinks of me, but if it gets me out of here sooner, I’ll play ball._

*****

In those last few weeks, Shepard lived as if half dead. He spoke when spoken to, without opinion or passion. He ate his meals without complaint. Vega, his bodyguard, gave him looks from time to time that spoke of his skepticism regarding Shepard’s sudden reform, but he never questioned Russell to his face.

It took some doing to achieve this state. It was like he was a passenger in his own body, his mind partially cut off from his disagreeable surroundings. His own form of battlesleep, though his current situation could hardly be considered a battle when compared to what happened next.

Spending the rest of his sentence quietly and robotically complacent until the higher ups decided he was no longer useful would have suited Shepard just fine.

It was only natural that it came to a screeching halt in a way that was the complete opposite of all that.

There was nothing like a rain of fire, bricks, and glass to wake him up. Everything was back to his brand of normal in seconds. He needed to be on his feet--move move move! Hustle hustle hustle!--with no time to think. His actions were reflexive until he was bent over catching his breath in the Normandy’s drop bay, leaving Earth behind.

He was free. Everything still came down to him for some unfathomable reason, but he could do things his own way and in his own time. He’d go to the Citadel like Anderson wanted, like he had to, but his duties to the galaxy came second. He had letters to deliver and tracking down the only person who might be able to help him came first.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (A/N: Potential warning for vaguely suicidal thoughts. I think that's how that works...)

Water had never been Kolyat’s favorite thing.

He needed it to stay alive, like most other organisms, and he’d gotten used to using that instead of sand to clean himself. But beyond those two applications, he could do without it in his life. Perhaps his loathing came from living on a planet so saturated with the stuff that the very air he’d breathed was poison to him. On Kahje, water swallowed both the living and the dead, but in small doses, he was willing to admit it had its uses.

After a long day of hospital visits, errands and time at the temple fending off the unsolicited advice of the priests, Kolyat was so tense when he got home that his shoulders were hiked up to his frill. An’ur had drawn him a bath and all but thrown Kolyat in it. “Just try it,” he insisted. “It’ll help with your stress.” He locked Kolyat in the bathroom and swore to let him out after an hour. He and the liquid sloshing around the tub had had a stalemate for a while, Kolyat not willing to get in and the water reusing to leave, but the bath won out in the end. The warmth of the water was too much to resist and the bathroom was always cold no matter how warm the rest of the apartment was. He gave in and tried it and was glad he had.

Stressed didn’t begin to cover the feeling of so many things pressing down on him at once. The temple; the news about the Reapers which was just enough to be terrifying but not enough to tell him how him should act; his father who he was just starting to know—who he just wanted to know, was dying and Kolyat was all he had. This was more than he ever would have signed up for and now he was stuck with it.

Thinking about how that human had disappeared from his father’s life made Kolyat _so angry_. Things between them had to have been serious for Thane to mention it at all. And then nothing. Haron and Thane both tried to defend the human by saying he couldn’t send or receive messages wherever he was but he called bullshit on that. If Shepard really cared for his father, he would have found a way. That was what every movie, every book, every song has told him. Was there no truth in it?

Kolyat knew Haron and Thane were right and that his anger was irrational. But he had to channel his anger somewhere. His temple visits hadn’t been able to completely erase all the sour parts of him. At least he wasn't turning it inward.

He sank down in the tub until the water was just under his nose, fragrant with whatever bath things An’ur has thrown in. He wondered how hard it would be to slip into the water and just let go, leaving all of his troubles behind. Although, admittedly, he would have come a very long way just to drown. He could have done that back on Kahje at any time. _You’re being stupid,_ he chided himself. _You don’t want that. Who would Haron and Thane have if you were gone?_ He had things to live for like a life with Haron. And who knew? Some eleventh hour miracle might come through for his father. They could all go on living

That is, if he overlooked that whole part about the galaxy ending.

He blew out a sigh and fat bubbles formed on the water’s surface. Not even being submerged in wondrous warm water could change the fact that everything sucked big time.

He was considering the wisdom of combining the effects of some booze with this bath when the apartment’s VI alerted him (and anyone else within the residence) that someone was at the door. An’ur could take care of it. It wouldn’t be for Kolyat seeing as he had no friends and no one here saw sporadically cared where he lived. Maybe An’ur had ordered them dinner… Kolyat would love him forever if he did (though he would even if he didn’t.)

An’ur knocked at the door, setting Kolyat’s stomach to growling. His body was already expecting to be fed. It would be a huge disappointment to get out of the tub and find nothing waiting for him.

“Kolyat?” An’ur called through the door. “There’s someone here to see you.” He fell silent, waiting for Kolyat’s response which never came. Someone here for _him_? That had to be wrong. “I think you’re going to want to speak to this person,” the Turian went on.

The only person Kolyat wanted to talk to was on the other side of the door. Whoever this mysterious visitor was, Kolyat was certain he wouldn’t appreciate his visit. He got up anyway.

“I’ll be right out.” His bath was already starting to cool and he no longer had the patience to maintain the temperature. Getting out was the lesser of two evils right now, but not by much. He unstoppered the tub, feeling pretty annoyed by the whole affair.

He didn’t bother getting dressed. He wanted to get this whole thing over with quickly. He wrapped up in An’ur’s robe, cinching it as tight as he could with the skinny belt, leaving his chest and belly just barely covered. Turian proportions were still so strange to him. This was about the only thing of his that Kolyat would wear and that was just barely.

He kept the grumbling to a minimum as he shuffled out to the front of the apartment. He wasn’t always successful, but he was trying to better his attitude. Being snippy all the time didn’t make him happy. Rather, it was a holdover of his past unhappiness. Why keep it up?

Nuggets of wisdom like that were why he’d gotten attached to the temple and its teachings. That was why it was so hard to decide what he should do regarding their request. They hadn’t steered him wrong before…were they really doing it now?

He made it to the living room, but the only person he saw was An’ur coming at him with outstretched arms and a dazed expression. “Why don’t you have any clothes on?” The sound he made was supposed to be a whisper, but it came out more like an anxious hiss. Was he angry about Kolyat’s lack of attire? Annoyed? Or was he a little jealous, not wanting anyone else to see Kolyat out of his clothes? Yeah… Kolyat liked that idea. He’d go with that.

“I was going to get dressed once I sent this visitor on their way.” Right now he was considering staying _un_ dressed. All his stress had robbed them of their intimacy. He was actually getting into the mood now. He wanted to roll with it. “Whoever this is, they’ve got the wrong person.”

“Really?” An unfamiliar voice sounded from behind An’ur. “There’s only a handful of drell registered as living on the Citadel and none of them go by Krios except one. You.” Kolyat looked around An’ur to the front door. Standing in the little alcove was a human. The collar of his dark jacket was turned up to hide his face and an equally dark hat was pulled down low over his eyes. Why had An’ur let someone so sketchy in here? That wasn't like him at all. But this situation begged a more urgent question.

Kolyat narrowed his eyes in the intruder's direction. “How do you know my name?”

***

Commander Shepard laughed as he took off his cap and worked to smooth his hair down. “I know we didn’t meet under the best circumstances, but I thought I’d left more of an impression than that.”

Realization dawned on Kolyat with a frown that was thrown to Shepard alike. “ _You_.” He stepped back from Haron, sparing him a glance that said he was less than pleased with this whole situation. “I’m gonna go get dressed.” He disappeared down the hall.

In contrast to his lover’s sour mood about having the most famous human in Citadel space in their living room, Haron was geeking out.

He’d followed Shepard’s career from Torfan until things had all gone dark recently. He’d been repulsed and later intrigued by the idea of a person who could survive the way Shepard had and keep on going instead of crumbing in regret. He’d looked into the publicly accessible details of the spectre’s background and had become a bit of a fanboy. He’d admit it.

He had a news alert set up for the Commander’s name and he was pretty sure he’d perused every image there was on CPNN site at one point. Kolyat was his first foray into dating someone of the same sex, but looking back now, he’d probably had a crush on him. This was a little awkward for him, but he’d deal with it on his own. It wasn’t like he could tell Kolyat about how weird this was for him. Just like Kolyat hadn’t told him about knowing Shepard personally. They both had their secrets.

Shepard didn’t look so great, not that Haron was truly appraising him or anything. He had bags under his eyes, his brown skin darker in places like under his eyes and there were lines on his face that hadn't been there before. There hadn’t been much news of him other than what Haron knew to be slander, so there was no telling what he'd been going through these last few months. But even so, he still managed to emit a commanding presence that dominated the room. It was a little more than Haron could stand. “I’m just…I’m gonna see if he needs help. Go ahead and make yourself comfortable.” He was gonna _help_ Kolyat dress? _C’mon, An’ur. How uncool can you get?_

“Thanks,” Shepard said, already moving for Haron’s favorite chair. He sank down bodily into it. Haron heard him sigh wearily before he left the room.

He hurried down the hall and knocked on the closed bedroom door. “Everything OK in there?” He was sort of eager to have Shepard gone from here as well now. This was just too strange.

“If having the biggest jerk in the galaxy in my safe space can be called OK, then, yeah! Everything’s fucking great!” Kolyat laughed, harsh and mirthless.

“You, uh, you never mentioned that you knew Shepard, too.” Both Thane and Kolyat had said Shepard when they spoke of his father’s missing lover, but what were the chances that it was _this_ Shepard?

Kolyat snorted, the sound muffled by the door. “I don’t think getting punched in the face by him and _knowing_ him are the same thing. If that’s the case, then I know a lot of assholes then.”

“He punched you?” A little flare of protectiveness flared in Haron’s chest. It had been before they’d even known each other existed, but he felt indignant on Kolyat’s behalf. That fit in with his view of Shepard, but he had a hard time figure out what Kolyat could have done to deserve that.

Kolyat opened the door and stood there, fully dressed in shorts and a loose shirt and a pair of shorts that he usually wore when he didn’t plan on leaving the house. He sighed. “He sighed. It’s a long story… Part of what brought me to C-Sec in the first place.”

“You’ll have to tell me all about it sometime.” Though not now. He smoothed a touch down Kolyat’s arm, trying for comfort. This situation just got weirder and weirder. He hoped they could get this over with soon enough.

They didn’t have any human food in the house, but levo diets couldn’t be all that different, right? Haron served up some of the pomelo juice Kolyat picked up the other day which earned him the darkest scowl he’d ever seen. He had water for himself. Kolyat may not want Shepard here because of their shared past, but they could be civil for 10 minutes. Haron would get him new juice.

Kolyat slid over his side as he sat on the couch, not allowing any space between them. He put a hand on Haron’s knee in a rare territorial display. At least Kolyat wasn’t hiding behind him. Haron half expected him to hiss like a frightened cat.

Minutes passed where neither Kolyat nor Shepard spoke rendering the air thick with anticipation. Shepard had to be here for a reason and the sooner they found it out, the sooner they could get on with their lives.  Haron opened his mouth to break the tension, but Kolyat beat him to it. “I think you’ve got the wrong Krios. You want the sick one who’s been waiting to hear from your ass for six months.”

Commander Shepard didn’t flinch, but Haron did. Hadn’t Thane explained to him about the various protocols that might have made replying impossible? Haron himself even repeated it when Kolyat chose to rant about the situation. If Haron could remember, Kolyat definitely did. He was just itching for a fight. “Kolyat…” Civil! He had to be civil!

Shepard made no move to defend himself as he stared at his half empty glass of juice on the table in front of him. Kolyat’s words seemed to have struck true. Haron hoped he was happy, yet when he looked at the drell, all he saw was anger.

“I came as soon as I could,” Shepard said. He leaned forward and knitted his hands together. “The only reason I wasn’t with him was because I absolutely _couldn’t_ be. They locked me up and cut me off from the outside world.” Kolyat scoffed at his words, but otherwise said nothing. “I need to see him and I can’t get in touch with him. The address I have no longer works.”

Kolyat continued to say nothing, staring at the human as he got out of the chair. He knelt on the floor in front of his chair, his head bowed, hands on top of his thighs. “These last few months without him have been hell. I know what he’s going through and I should have been there. There isn’t a good enough reason to excuse my absence. I made a mistake.” He lifted his head and glared their way. For a second, Haron thought that look was meant for him. “Give me a chance to make it right.”

“How the hell are you going to make it right?” Kolyat spat. That was apparently the wrong thing to say. “Can you roll back time and get those six months back? Because unless you can your words don't mean shit. You said you were locked up and they just let you stroll out of there? Bullshit!”

“Spirits, Kolyat. When is it enough?” Haron’s dream of staying out of this, of his mate behaving like an adult evaporated before his eyes. He'd heard the reports himself about Earth but it hadn't sunk in. It was one of those things that sounded too ridiculous and awful to be true. But it was a reason Shepard could be here without a public announcement of his exoneration. There has never been one and likely never been an inquisition. They were on the precipice of some desperate times and they were looking at a desperate man. “What do you want him to do? He’s already begging. What more do you want?” Kolyat was upset. Haron got that, but now he was just being cruel, like a kid with a magnifying glass set loose on a bug colony.

Kolyat scrambled away, anger in his dark eyes. “Why are you taking his side?”

“I’m not taking a side. You’re just being a brat. This wasn’t about whatever happened between you two. Do you think this is what your father needs right now?” Haron knew he’d stepped in it as soon as he opened his mouth, he just underestimated how much. He’d secured himself a place on the couch tonight, but it was worth it.

Kolyat’s face darkened. “Don’t you use him against me.”

“I’m not using your father against you. You said yourself he likely wasn’t here for you. You were right.”

This was the part where Kolyat typically stormed out of the room. He was wrong and he knew it. He looked away, tears of frustration shining in his eyes. But he stayed.

“Fucking…fine!” he growled. “He’s at Huerta Memorial. Visiting hours are over for today.” Not to mention Thane’s hours were short and spaced out throughout the day rather than being the same as a normal patient’s. Shepard would find that out on his own soon enough.

Shepard got back in his chair, exhaustion present in every line of his face which seemed to multiple the longer he was here. “Thank you. And I’m sorry for hitting you when we first met.”

Kolyat crossed his arms over his chest. “Yeah, well.” He stopped there, his next words so obvious, they didn’t need to be said. _I’m not doing this for you_.

Shepard hung around a little longer, making polite conversation before he said his curt goodbyes and headed for the door. “One last thing,” he said, pulling his cap back on. “If there’s a way to help him, I’ll find it.”

“I'm not holding my breath.” Kolyat just had to get that last shot in. Haron let him have it, feeling too tired to do much else.

He shut the door behind their visitor and went to the couch where Kolyat was sprawled, taking up most of the space. Haron was able to sit on half a cushion, close but not too close. He had to gauge what sort of mood Kolyat might be in.

“That was a good thing you did,” he said, looking down at his lover. Kolyat ended Haron’s wondering by crawling over and resting his head in Haron’s lap. He sighed, closed his eyes.

“You’d better reward me properly, then.” Kolyat hummed, looking like he was ready to go to sleep himself.

Haron rested a hand on the side of his neck and his mate purred. “We can have whatever you want for dinner.”

Kolyat brought up his omnitool and started looking for menus. He finally seemed calm again, if drained. Haron felt himself finally start to relax as well. “I’m not going to tolerate any takebacks.”


	5. Chapter 5

02-12-2186 [sent from the extranet account oh4mb0n3)

_Siha, not much time. Hope you're well. I'm as expected. I love you. I'll write again. Arashu keep you._

02-24-2186

_I'm currently on my way to the Citadel._

_My son is waiting for me. I finally get to meet this friend of his._

_I'll reach out again once I'm settled._

[The following messages have been sent from a blocked sender address. ]

04-06-2186

_Russell._

_I hope that you are well. Now that I have a moment, I thought I'd write to you properly. I've never been one to drone on, so I'll be brief. Just the basics._

_Forgive the email address. I'm sure you'll understand my need to use it. I'm finally here where my doctor recommended me. She didn't take news of the impending Reaper attack well. She intended to pick up shop and wait for everything to blow over on one of those abandoned human colonies. I was lucky to catch up with her before that. I didn't have the heart to tell her it wasn't the best idea, but it's as good as any in this climate. They're all utterly useless._

_My son and I are getting along. He's calmer now, though I wonder if it's all thanks to the C-Sec officer who's by his side. He's a good person from what I can tell. He has no history of wrongdoing, publicly documented or otherwise (of course I looked into him-why wouldn't I?) and he seems to genuinely care about my son very much. I couldn't ask for more for him._

_I think here is a good place to stop. I've got an early morning tomorrow and they tell me I'll need my rest. I'm trying not to let that dishearten me too much and failing.s_

_May Amonkira guide you. May Arashu's watch over you, and should the worst come to pass, may Kalahira ensure that we meet again._

_I love you._

_T_

04-30-2186

_This must be what getting old feels like._

_I know that we're constantly aging, every day, every second, but I've never been cognizant of it until now. I feel like I've aged all at once. I'd almost held onto the hope that my diagnosis was wrong until the day I collapsed. I'd expected my senses to leave me over time, not all at once. Nothing has been more demoralizing. A year ago I was still mobile, I wasn't at my peak, but I was close to it aside from the occasional breathing problem. I could keep pace with the rest of the team. Today, I get winded if stand for more than 10 minutes. There's always someone nearby to try to usher me into a wheelchair or back to bed. As my illness progressed, I came to enjoy the downtime at the end of an operation where I could finally rest, but this? This is too much._

_Whether it be the sight of the crisp white sheets so neatly arranged and overly sanitized just like every other room of this place or the fact that I have to rest in a bed I can't make myself, I cannot say. I don't like it here. That much is clear._

_I didn't come here to be coddled and pushed around like some doddering old man. The only reason I'm here at all instead of simply fading away is hope, as small and unstable as a candle's flame in a draft. The hope that I can live long enough to be of more use to you, that I might do right by Kolyat and ensure that he has a future. Anything more than languishing here._

_I'd thought myself at peace with all this. Falling an unknown casualty against the collectors would have been fine as long as I'd known Kolyat would be safe…_

_Then I met you._

_This wasn't supposed to happen, but how would one plan for this? If you know, please tell me._

05-03-2186

_My deepest apologies, Siha. I never meant for that message to be sent let it alone for it to be my first one to you. I'd just finished a round of test and they're pumping me full of some sort of steroid-antibiotic cocktail, It's not an excuse, but both these things, along with being poked and prodded all day, can play with your mood. I would never intentionally unloaded all of my problems on you like that. You've enough worries of your own to deal with._

_I do wonder if you're receiving these messages. It had occurred to me that your accounts might be monitored, but I haven't had the opportunity to look into it (as sure a sign I'm not feeling myself as any). I suppose now is as good a time as any to look into it. Forgive my brevity if you do receive this._

05-11-2186

_Though I know you aren't receiving my letters, I find the act of writing them too therapeutic to stop. I might show these to you someday. I might not. It's a concern for another day._

_I've nothing be free time between tests and such. I've been using this as a chance to catch up on my reading and in doing so, I came across a poem that made me think of you (though most things seem to these days). This, I'd definitely like to share with you._

i have found what you are like

the rain,

(Who feathers frightened fields

with the superior dust-of-sleep. wields

easily the pale club of the wind

and swirled justly souls of flower strike

the air in utterable coolness

deeds of green thrilling light

with thinned

newfragile yellows

lurch

—in the woods

which

stutter

and

sing

And the coolness of your smile is

stirringofbirds between my arms;but

i should rather than anything

have(almost when hugeness will shut

quietly)almost,

your kiss

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the poem is I Have Found What You Are Like by e. e. cummings


End file.
